You may have noticed, as of late (how could you not?), that my newsletters have been both sporadic and intentionally vague (bordering on frustratingly opaque). Well. No longer.
I have three truths to tell you.
This first truth addresses some ambiguity about a certain secret project I hinted at the end of last year. The long and short of it is that last fall, after a period of discernment, I decided to apply to a single Master of Fine Arts (MFA) program in Creative Writing so that I could just see if it might be a viable path; after the presidential election in November cast uncertainty around the security of my role at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), that single application ballooned into eight, because, ya know, why the hell not?
And so, I spent November and December frantically filling out forms and seeking recommendations and writing and revising and editing personal essays and stories for my portfolio. It was a lot; it was great; it drove me a little crazy. I spent the following three months or so anxiously refreshing my email (so helpful and healthy, highly recommend) and fretting about the future, which ended up being all for naught; in the end, I wasn’t accepted to any of the programs.
This is okay for several reasons—with the most important being that (A) most of the programs I applied to have an acceptance rate of around .1–.5% (like, damn), (B) I didn’t originally plan on applying seriously until this fall, and (C) I learned a lot through the process, got on a waitlist for one program, and got personalized feedback from another. It was validating, inspiring, and encouraging, in the end, and I do plan to apply again in the fall—which I’ll be able to share about, this time.
Which brings us to my second, and more consequential, truth. After months of slowly worsening conditions and uncertainty, next week I will *cough* voluntarily *cough* leave my role at EPA as part of the “Deferred Resignation Program” being implemented to reduce the federal workforce (the simple explanation of which is that I’ll stop working, but will receive pay and benefits through the end of September, at which time my resignation will take effect).
Obviously, and as the first truth suggests, I was not set on staying at EPA for my entire career. But—and I hope you’ll believe me when I say this—this was still an awful decision to make. It has eaten away at me; it has forced me to grapple, in a real way, with my identity, and my values, and my beliefs about what national service and public sector work are for, and can do. So, yes, in the end I’m content with the decision I’ve made; I know it’s for the best; I think this will allow me to take care of myself, and others, and the planet, more, and better. But it’s hard to feel good, or happy about it.
Anyway—I'm maundering. There are silver linings here. First and foremost, I’m going to take the summer to write—like actually, really, truly write, all day, every day, like it’s my full-time job. And, though it’s bittersweet, Sarah is going remote at her job, and in a month or so we'll be leaving DC and moving to Asheville, NC, to decompress and reset and figure out our next steps, and to be closer to family, and nature. These are good, healthful things.
But—and this is the third truth—I’m still scared. Scared, worn thin, hollowed out, and unsure about the future—both mine, personally, and the broad, inescapable, slow-marching future coming for all of us. This year has been hard, for the reasons up there, and others. I’m doing okay, despite that. But I wish I didn’t have to keep saying so, to reassure myself, and you.
💌 Newsletter Updates
This is just a blurb to say that, as you now know, I have no excuse not to get back to our regular newsletter schedule (i.e., the first and third Sunday of each month)! And, barring a complete breakdown, updates on my writing this summer should be juicy. That sounds weird, but I’m keeping it in.
Anyway, to directly contradict what I just said, the next newsletter will come on the 22nd, and then we’ll go back to the normal schedule. It just works better that way. You can send a formal complaint if that doesn’t jive with you.
📚 Writing Projects
Okay, here’s some more truth: I’ve really struggled with writing, these past few months, what with everything going on. I have been stealing scraps of time away for myself, here and there, and the progress I’ve made on projects isn’t nothing—but I’ve been a little falsely positive when sharing updates. It’s been hard to work up the energy to write, at the end of my days and weeks. So I’m really, really intent on making the most out of these next few months. I know it will take a little while to ramp up—and there will be other life things, like moving, and, at some point, job searching, and applying for MFAs, which will all take time—but I think I’ll be able to accomplish quite a bit (and share a lot more positive news here).
📚 Reading
Craft Books | I’ve been reading quite a bit, lately, as usual—but it’s all been [writing] craft books, which isn’t much fun unless, you know, you’re a writer. But maybe you are, or would like to be! So here are some (really quite excellent and immensely helpful) books I’ve been reading (and/or re-reading) as I prepare for my summer of writing and re-applying to MFAs:
"Real Thing" by Drugdealer and Weyes Blood | Around six years ago (What?? Six years?!?) Drugdealer and Weyes Blood—both excellent artists in their own right—collaborated on a track called “Honey”, which has been a favorite ever since. Now, a couple weeks ago, they teamed up again and dropped this track, which is, of course, excellent, and a new favorite. It’s a sort of nostalgic, sweet, 70s-rock-inspired love song, and the world just needs more of that right now. Here’s to hoping they collaborate again sooner than 2031 (ugh).
Animaru by Mei Semones | Indie Japanese jazz-infused bossa nova pop out of Brooklyn? Uh, yeah, sign me up. I first heard Semones on a collaboration with John Roseboro (also an excellent artist) and am really stoked about this new album. The cover art also makes me oddly happy. Highly recommend!
🍿 Watching
Friendship | This psychological thriller...horror…comedy (?) from A24, featuring Paul Rudd and Tim Robinson (I Think You Should Leave), is…well, for fans of Robinson’s work it’s an absolute delight. For everyone else it’s maybe also a delight, but mixed in with equal parts discomfort, confusion, and not knowing when, exactly, you should laugh. I loved it; Sarah and I are still quoting it back and forth. So…check it out?
In the frame: Kayaking through the marsh, moments before realizing how difficult it would be to turn around.
“The most artful and truthful thing is sometimes simply that which allows us to avoid being false: the swerving away, the deletion, the declining to decide, the falling silent, the waiting to see, the knowing when to quit. Omission is sometimes a defect and leads to unclearness. But other times it’s a virtue and leads to ambiguity and an increase in narrative tension.”
– George Saunders, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain
To round out the theme of this edition of the newsletter, today's Show & Tell is little reflection on truth from George Saunders. Yes, this is in the context of narrative fiction—but it resonated with me outside of that space, too.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to be true to myself, to my values and beliefs—about how I might live honestly and freely, in this moment. The decision to leave EPA was not easy, and felt, at first, like going against what I believe in. But staying would mean, what—biding my time? Treading water? Certainly not doing the work I came there to do. So, maybe knowing when to quit—when to swerve away form that part of my life—when to fall silent, and give myself time to listen and discern what comes next—maybe that is the most honest, most truthful thing I can do.
I hope so. I can't know. But it feels right, and honest, despite the difficulty, and I’m taking that as a positive sign, in times such as these.
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